I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
