some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
