Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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