I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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