i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need to calm my uterus...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
