A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
