Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Im part way to drunk.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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