In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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