Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
