also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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