It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
