Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
They took my balls.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize