My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
