Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
