At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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