honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
