So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
