You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
