i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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