The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.