I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
