you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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