i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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