oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
