Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
