One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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