Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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