Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
