Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
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Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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