I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
