based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
