I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
