I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
