Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
