apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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