I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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