Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
