Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
