someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
