Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
