the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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