I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
