tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
