drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
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