feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.