my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
