I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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