when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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