Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
