I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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