Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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