i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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