You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
