So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
