I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
