Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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